Staying in control of your decisions

Charlotte Randall

We have all had to make choices in our life that have required decisions to be made to affect an end goal. The bigger the end goal the more resilient you need to be to aspire to achieve it. Once the wheels are in motion towards your target you embark on a journey that will test your commitment, resolve and emotional stance. Excitement of the possibilities ahead is often the first emotion and the driving force behind the energy that supports the planning phase of the change process. However, as major new experiences loom excitement can start to wane and in its place fear is waiting.

When fear takes hold behaviours alter and coming off your trajectory is a very plausible outcome. You start to convince yourself that you’re still in control, you know what you’re doing and where you’re going; you push on with ever increasing urgency trying to make your mental map (where you think you are going) fit with where you actually are. The longer you operate in this paradigm the easier it is for fear of failure to manifest; lurching from one irrational decision to another looking for the emotional reprieve a particular course of action might bring, hoping that equilibrium will once again be restored.  This is neither a sustainable nor a productive environment in which to operate and holds the potential of derailing your pursuits altogether.

Maintaining control of your decisions as the situation evolves and avoiding emotion alone dictating the next move you make is paramount. Very few successful outcomes are achieved unaided and it is important to develop relationships that provide objectivity to the process and explores the purposefulness of each decision, aligned with the end goal. Utilising the skills of a coach to facilitate a solutions focused conversation and the management of emotions along the journey, is a potentially powerful relationship to hold; one that will help you to stay on track and in control of your thinking and direction.  A coaching relationship then can provide the following scaffold:

1.    Planned time and space to think – the challenge will not feel so overwhelming when you have the opportunity to focus on it without interference.

2.    Talk and be heard - by having someone really listen to your challenge you can establish (re-establish) momentum, clarity of the situation and a solid baseline from which to move forwards.

3.    Solution focused communication - the conversation remains positive, giving you permission to connect with the possibilities through the development of challenging action planning.

4.    Respect for your emotions – the support to be brave enough to consider from the outset your emotional triggers, default reactions as a result and the empowerment to do something about them so you do not derail.

5.    Celebrate achievement – encouragement to congratulate yourself on the small achievements and positive experiences along the way. In a situation where the end goal seems so great, or so far out of reach, it is important to recognise that you are making a difference with your actions.

6.    Importantly a coach will retain your focus on the original impetus for change and when challenging situations arise remind you it really excited you once and it can again!

Mothers - Are you the loneliest Exec?

Ray Garner

It’s lonely at the top – so CEO’s, and those who write about them, will tell you. The wise CEO will often turn to an external ‘Executive Coach’ to help them review their visions and aspirations in a ‘safe environment’.

But, there is one type of CEO that rarely gets the recognition, nor support, that they deserve. They wear more hats than most other execs – they are leaders, motivators, financial controllers, human resource managers, trainers and developers and, often, counsellors. In addition, they may be interior designers, chefs and accountants; and any number of other, unspecified jobs. They are, of course, wives, home-builders and household managers. In UAE, they may also be a long way from home and the support networks they grew up with. Yet, they are the heart of the family and the leadership challenges they face, whilst presenting a smiling face to the world, are evidently similar to the challenges faced by the business exec. If on a smaller scale, within the family, then all the more intimate and intense than within the corporate setting.

It occurs to me, as an ‘executive coach’, that so called ‘life’, or ‘personal’, coaching is really indivisible from any other branch of our profession and deserves the same respect and kudos.
In this environment differences become concerns, concerns become problems. Who do you turn to, it can be a close friend of a group of ladies who you meet for coffee or exercise with. In this environment there is likely to be a transient group and may not bring with it the non-judgemental confidentiality necessary. This is the place for coaching.

What is a coach?

A coach is not an adviser, a therapist or a counsellor. A coach should practice by asking the key questions, giving you space to think, providing opportunity to identify ways to move forward and commit to action.

This approach isn’t laden with others view of ‘right’ but provides a non-judgemental space and time.

To the potential client, I would borrow the beauty-product strap-line – “Because you’re worth it!”

...Silence

Sanam Yaqub

Did you hear that?
It was the sound of silence.

Sir Conan Doyle had it right when his character Sherlock Holmes criticized Watson for only ‘looking’ and not ‘observing’. We all ascend the same stairs everyday at home, but do we observe how many steps there are?

Similarly, it can be easy to ‘listen’ to what your client is saying, but do you always ‘hear’ what they say?

Listening to what the client is saying and hearing what they actually mean is a skill that all coaches should develop.  A coach must not only focus on the clients spoken response but also pay attention to non-verbal clues, which can be imperative in guiding further questioning.

Techniques such as pausing after questioning, are essential in allowing the client time to think about their response – silence is where the thinking and change is taking place.

In addition, listening for key information and phrases can give clues to the clients thinking. Furthermore, paraphrasing, reflecting and summarizing what the client has said can help to develop the thinking of the client and ensuring that the coach has heard the clients response correctly.
Once effective listening has been mastered, open-ended questions can be powerful for extraction of information.

Listening is more than just sitting back and taking in the words of the client.

It is about picking up the clues in the unsaid words, facial expression and body language. So next time you are listening to your client, ‘observe’ and ‘hear’ the silence – it should speak volumes.

Sanam was CPD Leader at Dubai English Speaking School and now is the Head of Cultural Development.  Having completed the ILM Level 3 Award in Coaching with flying colours, she is now working on the ILM Level 7 Certificate in Executive Coaching and Mentoring with the British School of Coaching